:: My Reality ::

"80% Alternate Universe, 20% Barely Hanging On!"
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:: Saturday, March 08, 2003 ::

Wearing: Jeans and a blue check buttondown

Listening to: Hum of the air conditioners on this very pleasant day in the South in March.

The painful world where every noise or overheard fragment in the environment presents a running commentary on my internal thoughts belongs in the morgue with a tag on it's big toe which reads "1969-1972, RIP." All the skulls in my closet have been identified and given proper pagen burials. The fantasies/visions/prophesies of the past 30 years have all come home to roost (even the dreaded "Ford" symbol which was the last to die, appeared on the comedy channel last night). Finally, it's all done. So, like the guy in "A Beautiful Mind," I came to outgrow my Schitzophrenia. Thanks to countless doctors and therapists, purveyors of endless drugs and medicines who labored over the years to cure me. My advice on that subject is if a Mental Health Professional suggest you take something called Lamechtal, don't do it...can anyone identify 'rapid cycling' for me? It's been a long and serious road for the past 33 years and I am lucky to still be alive and finally well. Thanks to my wonderful wife who has borne the brunt of some of the worst of the illness which flared up and has raged since 1995. We will now start to repair this serious damage done to our marriage. Thanks to my various assimilated parts who became my best friends when we were assulted by subconscious murderers threatening with guilt sharpened knives. Now we are One. Thanks to my friends who never gave up hope that one day I would find peace. Let us celebrate!

:: Tom 12:46 PM [+] ::
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:: Friday, March 07, 2003 ::
Discovered a neat site, Bea's Diary. I have known some delightful, creative people like this. They are a joy. Thanks to Womanchild for Bea. Oh, almost forgot...

Wearing: Very light gray sateen button down (I've been a preppy since high school) with dark olive polyester slacks (no tie yet...think I'll buy one to match).

Listening to: Eighty's FM again on the way to work. I really like music from that era. Can't get into the sound tipified by Creed and Nickleback. I haven't heard many of the much newer alternatives. Still like hip hop but not enough to listen to it for more than a half hour or so. And the local hip stations tend to play the same songs over and over.

A special Shout Out to my friend Teresa in DC. She's a very special friend who I've known for over 10 years. Kathy Paselli and John Wright want to meet me lunch next week at the Varsity, and Gussie wants to join us! Won't that be a hoot! And yes, I too have backed out of my national ARMA positions and am not going to join this year. Jimmy wants me to go to Reno for Midyear but Deb and I know we'll end up spending too much money so we're not going.

More later...

:: Tom 9:20 AM [+] ::
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:: Thursday, March 06, 2003 ::
Wearing: I'm too embarrased to say

Listening to: All '80's Radio ("Now That the Boys of Summer Are Gone")

The war with the air conditional people continues. The guy comes back and installs this big giant see-through plastic keeper-outer with special key access only. But wait...the temp in my office is a cool 72 degrees...that's all I fucking wanted in the first place, a liveable work place. And yes, I apologized to the little air conditioning guy. I mean it wasn't his fault, there was no reason to jump all over him. He was just the messenger. But If I start sweating again, I will tear the damn thing off the wall!!!

Still broke, checks still bouncing. $482 in services charges at the bank. This sucks.

My best ex-wife Elaine's husband likes my CDs. I'm going to send them a third, the one with the old-timey blues on it.

Still working on my book. Thinking about self publishing on LuLu. If I can get on the search engines, I know it will sell. Also I'll ask by dear friend Lawrence, he knows all the ins and outs of publishing.

This site, full of fashion no-no's is a scream.


:: Tom 11:38 AM [+] ::
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:: Wednesday, March 05, 2003 ::
Wearing red/black/white plaid madras short sleeve, grey satin tie, khaki slacks, black sneakers.

Listening: to me play my guitar

I have a big $440 hole in my heart today. Why do I get myself into this kind of fix everytime. I'll never understand how/why I lose consciousness when I gamble. I throw reason out the window.

I just blew up at the air conditioning guy. I got sick of the goddamn heat in this office. I sit here day after day with sweat rolling off my face and I can't do any damn work in this kind of heat. So I took it on myself to take the cover off the thermostat and change the temp from 78 to 69! Yesterday afternoon it was great,sooo cool! Well after a while it did feel kind of like a morgue, so I turned it back up to 72. This AM the office was tolerable, although I would like it a bit cooler.
So who shows up? The fucking air conditioning guy, and he's complaining that someone took off the cover of the thermostat and changed the temp. Well, I just plain blew up, went rushing out to the hallway and confronted the guy and said that I was not going to sit in my office and sweat all day and that if I started sweating I would come out and lower it again! I am still really pissed about this! I am livid! I refuse to to go through this again. I will take this up with my boss as soon as I calm down.
This is what happens when I don't take my Stellazine. I am volatle, I will confront you over minor issues and blow them way out of proportion, I will be very angry and it's guarenteed I will cause a scene. I had better get my prescription filled right away before I jump in anyone elses shit. BTW: It actually feels great to be this way, ready and able to blow up over things that bother me. Right now I know no fear! Do not fuck with me for the next hour or so because I will get back in your face.

:: Tom 9:20 AM [+] ::
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:: Tuesday, March 04, 2003 ::
Wearing Forest green buttondown with great paisley print...this is my favorite shirt. Slacks are black cotton, black sneakers.

Listening to light jazz Muzak on the hold cycle on the phone to the bank...they are such jerks. I wish I could close this account...You know, I think I will. Whenever I deal with these people it's always a hassle and they will not give you a break. Soon as I get on my feet finanacially, I am going to close this account and say bye-bye to all their hidden fees and charges!

Well talked to the convenience store owner on Sunday and apologized for bouncing all those checks, asked him not to have me arrested. He laughed, said he would never do that. I told him I would pay him back. And I will. You know if you screw something up and you are proactive and go the the people involved and sincerely apologize and say you will make restitution, chances are that they will react with pleasurable surprise and say something like "well, as long as you make it up, that's fine."

Wife wants to go to Marriage Counseling...fine with me. The two things she wants to change about me are two things that we will have to compromise on. She thinks everything is my fault but things are never like that. We'll just have to go and see what comes out of this. She is not happy now, but I'm not responsible for her happiness. I tried to make her happy for years and that just didn't work. She needs to find the way to her own happiness. She may say that it would make her happy to ditch me. We'll just have to see.

I'm getting lots of creative ideas about my work and the new project I've been assigned to. I ran them by the boss yesterday and she was pleased. Plus I have a hallway full of boxes of files that I need to transfer off-site. But I can't really tackle that till my back is better. Maybe I can get started with that next Monday.

I've been leaving comments on my friends blogs and they all responded with nice notes. It's great to have friends from around the world.

:: Tom 9:31 AM [+] ::
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:: Monday, March 03, 2003 ::
Wearing Black cotton slacks and spiffy red check button down shirt. No tie chosen as of yet.

Listening to silence on the other end of this phone as I am on hold with my therapist and they are too cheap to install Muzac on their 'Hold' system. UPDATE: I just called again and now they have Billy Joel singing "She's Always a Woman to Me." on the hold cycle.

The song is called 'Divorcee' and the tune is to Woody Guthrie's 'Deportee'

While filing our papers at the Magistrates Office
You and I together for the last time
Nervous glances, premature romances
And all they will call you will be...Divorcee

(Chorus)
Good bye to my friends, good bye to my in laws
Good bye to my dogs, I'm sure gonna miss yall
You'll still have a name, it just won't be the same
And all they will call you will be...Divorcee

Antique traditions, all kinds of conditions
Then it was home in our new family car
Forget Uncle Wilbur, I'll pawn the silver
You kept your wedding face locked in a jar
Now all they will call you will be...Divorcee

Chorus

I just had a thought as I crossed the border
We kept a secret stash in the dash
Even the Federales can't stamp out your memory
We all got high as they carried me away
And all they will call me will be...Gringo Aaiii!

Good bye to my friends, good bye to that cute little mom-in-law
Good bye to my dogs I'm sure gonna miss y'all
You'll still have a name, it just won't be the same
All they will call me will be...Preso Numero 3

:: Tom 11:09 AM [+] ::
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:: Sunday, March 02, 2003 ::
I'm about to lose my Blogger Pro status, thus photos will disappear for a coupl'a weeks. I will be back in Blogger Pro status soon with a whole bunch of photo's from Dale's most excellent party in South Carolina. BTW I have it from a good source that Dale is going to sublet his apartment in LA and move semi-permanently back to his farm in South Carolina and work on producing a movie. This of course means that many more parties will be coming down the chute. Dale is a wonderful host and his parties have always been legendary. When you add to the fact that his farm is out in the middle of nowhere as to not disturb a living soul and you have the perfect set-up. Also this means that if my wife kicks me out of the house, I'll have a place to go!

Money sources dried up again leaving me hi and dry. I've got a coupl'a more schemes up my sleeve and in the long run, these things are going to work out. It'll be a couple 'a more weeks of freaking out then the money situation will loosen up. I'll have to go back on the straight and narrow, though. No more $200 nights at the convenience store. I will not let this thing beat me!

:: Tom 3:47 PM [+] ::
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