The most terrifying day of my life was the day I saw myself on Star Trek. Nothing prepared me for seeing my life being protrayed on screen by Captain Kirk and company. The good captain looked exactly me. My best friend was there instead of Bones and it went on and on with people I knew playing parts in this space age melodrama. The morality tale being presented struck way too close to home. I was terrified! As my mind asked questions as to what was going on, the TV answered with pithy dialogue. It was seductive, mesmerizing madness. I staggered from the house (I was at a friend's) in horror. I had just been initiated into a world which was to visit me daily for the next 35 years. No longer was it a safe place where a I could make my own life choices. There were other entities here, other voices, other players in a drama of my own making but over whose actions I had no control. A feeling of Doom over rode the entire experience. A forboding feeling that my life was already predetermined and that it was not good.
The distorted paranoid psychodrama that I somehow invented played itself out over the years. Some of the protagonists actually died. Somehow I would blame myself for this. Others turned out not to be the demons I had made them out to be. Some friends just didn't understand and I pretty much lost touch with them. I ran through a couple or three wives, was not the best father to two children and now find myself on the edge of sanity most days. So that's what the 20/80 in the title is all about. Barely hanging on.
Meds help, too many to list. They balance things out a bit. Still I can't help but feel a little helpless and hopeless sometimes. Like now.
:: Tom 9:54 PM [+] ::
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